When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

Slightly embarrassing confession.
I am the world's worst package opener. No, really. Any kind of pre-packaged package--from frozen chicken to graham crackers to individual drink packets ends up evolving into a puzzle box of epic proportions, resulting in facial contortions, grunts, and possibly torn ligaments. Eventually, frustration takes over.
Queue Mission Impossible theme song.
Out come the knives. Annnnndddddd in another 5 minutes, the package has been completely mutilated but is finally open. And the bags that say "resealable"? Ha. Who are they kidding.

The past couple months have felt like a series of packages handed to me...with abysmal results.
I've gritted my teeth, thrown my bulging biceps into the fray, and given it all I've got.
But it hasn't been good enough.
In one series of events after another, my best hasn't been good enough.

Typically, my experience in life has been...work hard enough, study hard enough, prepare well enough, pray it through, and whatever you're striving for can be accomplished. Obviously that's not always the case, but more often than not it seemed to hold true. Until 6 months ago. One failure precipitated another. And another. It was a little bit bewildering and not a little bit discouraging.
And then I started sliding into the vortex of God's Sovereignty/Man's Will. As Christians are wont to do, I tried reconciling my circumstances with the will of God. And lots of people said, "God has something better for you."

I always appreciate people's good intentions. However, I sometimes wonder if we shift things on God that aren't necessarily His department. When we see ourselves as "successful", we tend to believe this must be God's will. And when we're not, we console ourselves that whatever we were working toward wasn't His will. But really--What if I didn't prepare well enough? What if I actually bombed that second interview because I didn't do enough research? God certainly allows things to happen daily that are nowhere close to being in His will.

The tension between God's Sovereignty and Man's Will is a never ending enigma that I of all people will not attempt to reconcile. But as I was sitting in church yesterday thinking through God's action or lack of action in my life, the Spirit brought something to mind that gave a lot of clarity.
I was focused on what He was doing (or not doing), and not Who He is. And that tiny clarification brought comfort and peace to my perplexed mind.

"I Am Not Skilled to Understand, What God Has Willed, What God Has Planned..." as the song goes.
Maybe these failures I've experienced were a result of God's direct intervention. Or maybe they've been my fault in human error. Either way, what matters is that I know and am confident of Who He is in every twist and turn of life.

Psalm 107 outlines four different scenarios in which humans find themselves in extremely difficult situations. Some of them experiencing their own consequences of sin, some of them just living the circumstances of life.
But regardless the scenario, God's response toward each of them is the same.
"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress."
Among the many attributes of our God is His steadfast love.

Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Sin is hard.
But the hope, the joy, the freedom of life lies in the character of God:
His steadfast love endures forever.
He is for us, never against us.
He is our Comforter, our Healer.
He is our Teacher.

And so...it's ok that my best isn't good enough. It's ok that I'm not sure why things happen, why relationships are so hard, why God doesn't answer some prayers.
It's ok because there's a God Whose character I can trust, no matter what.

"Whoever is wise, let him attend to these things; let them consider the steadfast love of the Lord."

Grace and Peace,

RB

Happy 2014 from the Delinquent Blogger

Thank goodness for auto saved passwords linked to super old active email addresses.

After five years since my last post...yes. 

5. Years.

It took me a pathetic 10 minutes of web browsing before I actually found my blog--and another 5 before I figured out how to log in to it. Ah, good ol' internet.

In the brief 5 years that have passed since I've blogged, I have acquired a husband (he's favorite), a dog (he's also favorite), a house, 3 new occupations, discovered that I distinctly enjoy playing congas, and that I will never make a perfect omelette. 

And now we find ourselves in the year of our Lord two thousand and fourteen--and I myself celebrating 3 decades of life on this earth. 

And it was with somber reflection that I found myself sitting in bed this morning, drinking tea and eating toast (somehow that sounds very British--do not be fooled. I cannot make crumpets.) and reminiscing over the year 2013. 

Despite the fact that it was a turbulent year in many ways (3 job changes for both me and hubs, lots of health issues, and more puppy potty training issues than we were equipped for--and by we, I mean mainly my carpet), it was also a year of confirmation.

1. I have the best husband on the planet. Ever. For me. 

2. I have aspirations of becoming a world re-known potter. Potter-er? Potician? Anyway. 

3. The way God is present and active in my little life will never change. Because Who He is never changes. Despite my circumstances, my feelings, my stress, my sin.

When I started this blog back in 2006, I remember being gripped with David's view of God as his Exceeding Joy. It's an interesting journey, this life God gives us. Themes of grace, faithfulness, and joy have continually presented themselves over and over again in new and fresh waves.

In a lot of ways, 2013 is really wrapped up primarily in feelings of failure. But as I found myself praying this morning, I was overwhelmed with all the ways God was present. Active. Good. Merciful. Lavish. Forgiving. Encouraging. Loving. 

There is nothing that provides more comfort, more hope, and more joy, than God. 

His presence, His promises...His character. To you. His son, His daughter.

Happy 2014, friends.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Rom. 15:13

Whip out Your Athletic Shorts...Lace on Your Cleats...

I first wrote this in a FB note a while back, but thought I'd add it to the poorly abandoned and vastly scattered blog posts...

The quaint charms of the CO suburb I now reside in continue to surprise, and at times, amuse me. From the 60+ miles of trails that wind their way through (and sometimes under) parts of the city, to the multi-ethnic masses of people that warrant their own super-markets and dwell in their own mini-cultures, to the plethora of parks and playgrounds that seem to pop up arbitrarily, Westminster has become a favorite part of the world for me.
One of the latter attractions summoned my attention tonight while I was out on my evening walk. From quite a distance away I spotted the stadium lights of a nearby park illuminating a substantial baseball diamond. Noting the typical smells and sounds of a sporting event as I approached, I decided to take a gander closer to the situation. Despite my profound abhorrence for baseball and softball, it seemed a good night to meander around and people-watch.
Skulking under a tree on the far peripheral of the diamond (clinging to whatever thread of self-protection from fly balls lingered in the back of my mind), I was a bit puzzled to note that one of the outfielders was tossing a somewhat large ball. Having decided that this league needed a bit more emphasis on the discipline of the sport--since this wasn't a game of 5 year old soccer players tumbling around the field en masse--I reverted my gaze back to the uniformed pitcher. It was then that my puzzlement turned to confusion and my confusion to absolute bewilderment. For right there, in front of my own eyes, was a giant adult game of Kickball!
Yes, that's right--Take Me Out to the Ball Game has become a whole new mantra. From Denver to Littleton to Westminster, men and women of all ages...and sizes...and shapes...suit up with their leagues on Wednesdays and Fridays for an 8 week season of competitive adult kickball. From the looks of the players stretching as they arrive and the team huddles they call, not to mention their athletic gear, I would hesitate before smirking in front of any of them.
So if you're ever in the area, feel free to bring your puppy and a lawn chair for some happenin' evening action.
Not to utilize any punny Morris wit, but....you'll get a kick out of it.

Deus meus et omnia

[God is mine, and everything is mine.]
In his classic book Knowing God, J.I. Packer wrote, "The measure of love is how much it gives." That alone has been enough food to fuel a month's supply of meditation. However, he also included the following gripping Puritan quote:
"My grace, saith God, shall be yours to pardon you, and My power shall be yours to protect you, and My wisdom shall be yours to direct you, and My goodness shall be yours to relieve you, and My mercy shall be yours to supply you, and My glory shall be yours to crown you." (Emphases mine.)
I am His; and He is mine.
What a blessed belief.

Happy First Day of Summer!

Warmest, fondest wishes of the First Day of Summer to any sundry passerby who happens to note my once-again-neglected-blog. :)
Time is a funny thing...it speeds past yet somehow seems to slowly meander all in the same moment.
Friday, June 20, 2008 finds me perched on a couch in a suburb of Denver, Colorado with a spectacular view of the Rocky Mountains out the back window.
In this past month since graduating Northland for the second time and trying to be all grown up I have made some startling realizations...
I'm very close to being addicted to little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls.
I was not made to walk in high heels--ever.
The Vast majority of my friends are either engaged, married, or being fruitful and multiplying.
I have some odd pet peeves (one of them being false drawers.)
Road tripping is a favorite pastime.
Dodging deer, potholes, turkeys, and snowdrifts for my whole driving career was ill preparation for 3 lane traffic, blaring car horns, and merging lanes.

And in the midst of these discoveries, more importantly, is the incredible power of the Word of God. My counseling internship has brought me to many observation sessions that have left me both sad because of the devastation and utter destruction of sin, and grounded in Truth--the only Truth. There is nothing more exciting than seeing someone's life changing before your eyes as they begin to see that God is Who He says He is.
So. Happy First Day of Summer to all....may it be the start of seeing more of His grace.

When It Rains It....Tsunamis.

I do not have the reflexes of a cat. This remarkable discovery occured sometime in the middle of the night last night when I found myself painfully sprawled on our carpeted cement floor. Apparently I had convinced myself in my sleep that I was back home in my normal bed--not perched on the top of a bunk bed. I slightly remember sitting up in a half cognizant state and jumping off my bed--expecting the ground to be 3 inches away. However, the ground was decidedly Not 3 inches away, and my slumbering body did not compensate. I found myself painfully awake on our floor, having landed on my palms and my knees and skinning a huge chunk of my arm to the state of bleeding. My roommate woke up to the thud (fat joke target: right here) and wanted to know if I was ok and needed some ice. :) Needless to say, I stumbled into the bathroom, surveyed the damage, and painfully pulled myself back up into bed. I rather wish we had had it on video; I bet it would have been entitled to something in Funniest Home Videos.
However, it seemed a fitting way to end the week. Sometimes the Lord orchestrates the circumstances of life to beyond pouring when it rains. C.S. Lewis once wrote that God whispers in our joys but shouts in our pain.
How very often I must clear away the cobwebs of complexities and come back to simply sit in His presence and adore. The simplicity that is in Christ--to delight in God. And how thankful I am for weeks such as these that remind me acutely of the character of God...His sovereignty, His mercy, His power, His holiness, His grace.
As Oswald Chambers stated so poignantly, "All I do ought to be founded on a perfect oneness with Him, not on a self-willed determination to be godly." Yet another reason I am thankful for the perfect plans of God that manifest themselves in ways unpleasant to the flesh. A reminder that I cannot make myself godly, I cannot rescue myself from trouble...for I can do nothing apart from Him. What a blessed reality for the soul to claim!

It seems at times that when it rains it tsunamis...but God is Who He says He is.

Ps. 33:21 "For our heart is glad in Him because we trust in His holy name."

Return of the Wanderer

(Such a droll title. I'd much prefer something like, "Return of the Dragon Slayer" or "Return of the Roving Warrior" or even "Return of the Troll." Oh well. )
For any wanderers who happen to observe this poorly neglected site, my name is Rae--I am the delinquent who has not blogged in almost an entire year. :) However, I have duly repented me of my ways and have decided to attempt some semblance of ruminations in the year 2008. For those who despaired of ever keeping contact via the world of Internet...I'm afraid I may not be able to offer consistency, but I do offer sincerity. :)
The Year 2007 in a NutShell:
I struggled.
The Lord faithfully and lovingly guided.
One of my very dear friends got married.
I completed my first year of Grad School without getting kicked out.
I completed my first year as a most unorthodox secretary without a) getting fired or b) getting my boss fired.
The first (and thankfully last) Summerlude class was completed and goodbyes to two of my closest friends were said in one very difficult week.
I attempted to water-ski, I water-tubed, and I flew for the first time ever (please note that these are not intentionally inter-related.)
The Lord allowed me to meet and form relationships with various impacting people.
I went to China.
I ate cow stomach, ox vocal cords, goose intestine, and rabbit heart (please see the above statement.)
I met 31 very special Chinese kids and greater learned the depth of my inadequacies and pride.
I came back to Northland for my last year of Grad School.
I did not get engaged or married--nor did I elope.
I was given pretty much the best present ever--a ginormous, cute, soft teddy bear.
I forgot how much I love my home and where I was raised...I forgot how much I dislike radishes...I forgot how much I love to laugh...

And as I look back on the past year, the clear hand of my Father is so overwhelmingly present.
I was faithless. He was faithful--He can be nothing but.
I faltered. He rooted and grounded me in love.
I suffered. He healed the broken hearted and bound wounds.
I fell. He bid me rise--and carried me.
I strayed. He shepherded me, chastening me, guiding me, restoring my soul.
I questioned. He did not deign to answer me--revealing the greatness of His ways and thoughts and my desperate need to wait on Him.
I rejoiced. In His presence there is fullness of joy.
And I triumphed. Thanks be to God Who always causes us to triumph.

"And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know Him Who is true; and we are in Him Who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." I John 5:20